we won`t be back before it`s Christmas day;

archives June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009

so dark we forget who we are Justine K. Nikki B. Fatima G. Sam J. Denise D. Janna V. Gabby V. Bea L. Nicole O. Rei G. Margaux M. Jenny V. Chatty N. Ira R. Miya M. Sam G. Bea H. Ate Paula T. Ate Chelsie C. Ate Celine A. Mousie-chan Strawberry-chan Tsu-chan Natsumi-chan Julie-chan Aki-chan Sera-chan Ate Danni
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wanna wail at the moon like a cat in the heat;

i`ve had a knack from way back; The day started out fine, normal, or whatever term you want to use. The real questions is how it ended up like this. I don`t feel happy. I don`t feel fine, either. I feel so weak right now... like I can`t defend myself or others. Like I`ve been this hypocrite who just kept on blaming the whole word. It`s like I was somebody whom I expected to be but can`t become. It`s like there was nothing that I can find real. But not the cliche meaning.

I was happy, and excited, even, when I came to school. Well, except my irate feeling towards Denise. But that aside, I was so euphoric. But, as always, euphoria has to fade and go back where it was originally from: the small fantasies I have in my mind about whatever could possibly happen.

I felt that way until the last minutes of our Computer period. My happiness, gradually fading while one of my favored teachers shout at me and others. Yes, I like her. But not in that way. I- I mean I and Fatima, should have been more embarrassed, she claimed. We knew her, yes. But it doesn`t necessarily mean that our case differs from the others who forgot to do their duty as well. It`s unfair. Especially on our part. We, apparently, have to "suffer" more just because we know her.

After that, I went back to my previous state: the joyful one. But maybe not at the same level as before. I thought to myself that what happened awhile ago inside the room shouldn`t and couldn`t bring me down. Not deeper than where I already was, at least. I continued to laugh and smile; even when I knew deep inside that it could all bee possibly faked. Though, nobody noticed. That made me feel better. Knowing that nobody can see through something I can hide made me happier. At least, that`s what I know.

Intrams practice came and I became a tad bit excited. Because after Intrams practice, I knew what was going to happen. And the thought of it made me smile. One, that, may just be true. That, I`m not really sure of. But, in any case, I was excited.

Volleyball practice came and I enjoyed what I did. I played with my teammates, not complete, though. But, still, I was having fun. But, I may refer you back to my previous statement: But, as always, euphoria has to fade and go back where it was originally from. My nose was hit some time after. Think that it`s not such a big deal? Try having a fragile nose. I was lucky it didn`t bleed! I rested for awhile since it did hurt.

When our teacher announced that practice was over, I smiled again. Because, as I said earlier on, I knew what was going to happen. But I surely did not expect what happened after that.

We went up and we started to wet each other again with water. It was really fun! We even had music playing in the background while we were playing! I guess you could say that the moment was supposedly spent as a memorable one, a fun one, and even something that I would remember as possibly the greatest moment in school in my grade six life. But, no. Things like those never really happen. And reveries are just reveries, I guess. Nothing more than a trance in my almost deranged mind.

I tried to get out of trouble; escape and just run away. But, I should`ve know the consequences of my actions. I was the one who started it, wasn`t I? There`s no point in denying; I`m at fault. And who am I to run away? Who am I to let somebody else take the blame for something that I did?

We got our punishment. They don`t deserve it, though. It was my fault they`re under this predicament. Their records, at least. It`s my fault and they still got the same thing that I did. It`s my fault. It always is.

So, after that, I ran away. I ran away, scared and frightened again. I was crying the way down, ignoring calls I got from other people, the stares I got from others, as well. So, in the end, I`m still scared. The one who`s not brave enough. The one who`s the hypocrite who`s indecisiveness gets everyone in trouble. In the end, trouble finds its way back to me.

And now, I`m here. Trying to type out the events that happened while crying my heart out. They don't deserve what they got. They don't deserve it at all!

I don`t deserve it either!

No.

I`m wrong.

I deserve it.

Yes, I do.